“A story no parent can afford to miss”
means
“A story about red cordial”
“A story that will touch your heart”
means
“A story about baby animals or disabled children.”
“Exposé”
means
“A story about supermarket pricing.”
“Crisis”
means
“Something’s not perfect! Run for the hills!”
“Residents were forced out of their homes”
means
“Residents wandered out of their houses to jump up and down like arsehats in front of the camera.”
“Sports Update”
means
“Nothing new has happened in the five minutes since we last shouted our sponsor’s name at you.”
“A new study has revealed…”
means
“Some dickhead with a spreadsheet interviewed three people and sent us a press release.”
“In entertainment news…”
means
“We simply can’t be fucked doing actual journalism.”
Sweary Bear 