Simon asks…

July 5, 2013

Sweary,

Why do chicks on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook et al, think that by training in a gym for 3 hours a day, ‘clean eating’ bollocks, painting themselves orange and performing in shit competitions that no-one other than orange-coloured training chicks give a fuck about, taking steamed cabbage in a fucking container to Grill’d and taking a million photos of their overly muscular backs, think that they’re delivering some sort of self-serving benefit to fucking society?

There’s one on my Twitter who apparently ‘resolves to make the world a better place’ by posting fitness videos of her, semi-naked, working out in a gym. That might be making something better, but it’s not the world.

 

Sweary Bear says:

Look it it this way, Simon. Those three hours a day spent at the gym are keeping these muscular ladies occupied while sensible beings like you and me get down to the important business of writing whiny comments on a fucking blog written by a fucking bear. Sure, they might have a misguided sense of what’s important and an unhealthy obsession with their own upward-pointing arse cheeks, but as long as they’re posting photos of themselves in between workouts and cabbage farts, they’re not sucking back crystal meth and breaking into your fucking car. Meanwhile, why don’t you write an angry message to Instagram, Twitter and Facebook and ask them why they don’t make the ‘UNFOLLOW’ button more prominent to clueless knobjockeys who can’t seem to find the fucking thing.

Sweary.

PS. Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was busy shredding my awesome abs.

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BernardK asks…

June 26, 2012

Hey Sweary,
What tastes sweeter – a Liberal Frontbencher, or a child marxist who thinks everything is unfair, and capitalism should be unwound?


Sweary Bear says:

I tend to steer clear of Liberal frontbenchers. They may look firm and juicy from a distance, but inside they’re all empty calories and institutionalised homophobia. Joe Hockey is the obvious exception. His slow-moving bulk and thick skin make him a piece of piss to catch and provide excellent crackling. Once caught, he could easily feed a boat-load of asylum seekers for a fucking month.

Child Marxists are fine to snack on as long as they’re still children, but older morsels tend to repeat on you endlessly. Slow-cooking is not recommended, but a quick zap from Julie Bishop’s “don’t fuck with my Jesus” stare produces tantalising results.

Cam asks…

June 26, 2012

omg, there gonna force me to work for the dole, its such a total fucking, fucked up waste of time,
i left high school after completing my hsc, with no thanks to my alcoholic, lazy, bad teachers who’s only purpose, it seems was to coast through the school year , contributing as little as possible for a nicer future.
a decade later of hospitality work, in kitchens and housekeeping. i discovered that though i still love cooking and cleaning, i certainly don’t like having to do it commercially, iv also discovered that i hate dealing with the public in general, i would equate the ‘public’ as being a big, stupid, clumsy, mongrel dog that doesn’t know how it appears, or even knows when to stop eating. god-dam , mother fucking pigs, how they disgust me to the very recoils of my flesh.

now , after a year of being unemployed, i refuse to be subjected to “shit-work” mr abbott says that im to plant trees beside a highway, or maybe clean up vomit in various locations.
mr abbott, if you have managed to tear yourself away from throwing darts at refugees, and have put down your glass of poor peoples ashes and childrens tears. and now find yourself reading this, let me just say, that you can just bend on over and suck my balls, fuck you, you loanthsome peice of gobshite, when im offered work for god-dam dole, i promise that i will do all in my power to keep inside the required guidelines asked of me to retain my benefits, and that while complying with all rules within the system, i will also be bringing alot of other things to the table, like why im being treated like a slave, how will the project affect my depression , and how its affects my job hunting skills.
im a bit of a medical wonder also, whenever i find myself in a situation i dont want to be in, i get really sloppy, and careless with any work im doing, i hope i dont get “hurt”as a result, and would hate for anyone else to get injured because i wasnt paying attention . each time im made to go to these pathetic clusterings, it will be my goal to be as useless, lazy, rude, and unpleasant as possible, until they free me.
i can assure that i will make it my buisness to make life miserable to all those who dare try and tell me what do.


Sweary Bear says:

Is there an actual problem in that fucking cavalcade of wah you’ve just posted, or are you just trying to add me to the long list of people responsible for motivating you back into some semblance of productive member of society? All I can offer you is this:

1. If you don’t like the shit that spews forth from Tony Abbot, don’t fucking vote for him.

2. If you don’t like working, take a fucking number.

3. If you seek my advice about being a ravenous lamprey on the public purse while waiting around for the Magic Fucking Employment Fairy to offer you a job as Head of R&D in an orgasm factory,  you’re barking up the wrong fucking tree.

 

Good luck and all.

Daryl asks…

December 1, 2011

Back in the early 90s when Tony Abbot first became Minister for Employment he invited me amongst others in for a one on one informal chat about the Job Network and asked my opinions about his brilliant Work for the Dole Scheme…he also made me a cup of tea. As he did so he turned his back on me, we were alone, there was a heavy glass water jug to hand on the table….I did nothing. I feel so guilty – I feel like the blow up boy with the safety pin – I have let myself down. What can I do to rid myself of the awful shame?



Sweary Bear says:

Don’t beat yourself up about it Daryl (I’m pretty sure Tony Abbott frowns upon beating yourself). To use words that have seldom been heard in any ministerial office: let’s look at this rationally.

Point one: There is no evidence to suggest that blunt force head trauma has any kind of negative effect on government ministers. In fact, research suggests that, given a control specimen and a recently-bludgeoned one, constituents failed to notice any fucking difference whatsoever.

Point two: Just because Mr Abbott is a power-hungry bully with a brain like a shriveled relic from the nineteenth century, doesn’t mean he should be dispatched at the first available opportunity. He serves a purpose. I mean, with him around, don’t you feel just a smidge smarter, a tad more constructive and a teensy weensy bit less like a self-stroking, out-of-touch arsehole? And let’s face it – he lends parliament a kind of entertaining vibe that we though was lost forever once John Howard’s eyebrows retired.

On the other hand, if you meant that you simply neglected to pour him a glass of water, just pretend I didn’t fucking say anything.

Jo asks…

November 14, 2011

Hi, Sweary Bear.
It hurts when I go like this.


Sweary Bear says:

Most people can do that without breaking a sweat, much less whining like a ginger-headed stepchild. Harden the fuck up.

Fucked Rightoff asks…

November 11, 2011

“So this fucking CUNT at work has a so called medical issue which makes her cough and clear her fucking throat every 15-30 seconds. The medical problem is she’s so fucking fat her throat is even obese and choking itself to death. Meanwhile She is a rude fucking bitch to everyone and I want to see her banished to a soundproof room so we can all work in peace and not get permanent noise induced hearing loss from having headphones in and cranked to 11 to drown the cunt out.”

Sweary Bear says:

So let me see if I’ve got this right:

  1. THE PROBLEM: The person in question is coughing.
  2. THE REASON: “she’s so fucking fat”
  3. THE RESULT:  She will, as you suggest, choke herself to death.

What the fuck do you need me for?

Brook asks…

November 11, 2011

Why don’t people answer back? They ask you for quotes, they ask questions, they send emails.
You go to the bloody bother of responding, with all the thought, care and time that this entails and they can’t even be bothered responding. Even after you provoke them.

Sweary Bear says:

Pffft. You don’t really expect me to fucking answer that, do you?