Sweary Bear’s Guide to Not Curing Cancer With Unicorns

June 11, 2013

Have you ever tried to become an oncologist? It’s actually quite fucking difficult.

First, you need to finish high school with a higher-than-Lindsay-Lohan-on-a-relapse ATAR.

Then there’s the undergrad degree. And I’m not talking the usual kind of undergrad degree where you can spend about twelve hours a week off your tits listening to ukulele bands and shithouse performance poetry in the uni bar trying to hustle pool so you’ve got enough coin to buy chips and gravy. I’m talking six or seven years of actual fucking study and lectures and tutorials and clinical placements and getting elbow-deep in cadavers and only a tiny bit of being completely trolleyed and mostly only on weekends.

But you’ve only just started. You’ve still got an internship and a residency to get through, which means you’ll have been training, studying, researching, writing, talking, prodding, poking, testing and caring for about eight years and you’re still only about halfway fucking qualified. Add on another six or more years of post-post-graduate training to become a Fellow of the Royal Australasian College of Physicians, which is precisely as fucking important and proper and scary as it sounds; get a few gazillion hours of patient contact, rural placements and being called out at stupid-o-clock to care for people under your belt; undertake the mother of all assessments; and there you are. Australia finally thinks you know enough to manage and treat cancer patients. You’re an oncologist.

I’ll tell you who’s not an oncologist. This blogger and flogger of fucking “motivational jewellery” and fucking “wellness wisdom nuggets”. She’ll tell you how to make delicious raw desserts and how to spend hours a day making juice and how to squirt coffee up your arsehole while wearing a nice frock and smiling for photos.
Will she cure cancer? Fuck no.

I’ll tell you who else isn’t an oncologist. This fucking guy. He’ll tell you that very special peptides made from very special piss will make you all better, but not before you cough up thousands of very special dollars. He’ll tell you he’s been published widely, as if that means a fucking thing if it’s not in a peer-reviewed journal that actual experts actually read. He’ll tell you he’s a fucking renegade genius, because no other quack in the history of the world before him ever claimed that, did they?
Will he cure cancer? Fuck no.

I’ll tell you who else isn’t an oncologist. Arsewipes who sell this fucking sinister slime. They’ll tell you this particular mix of poison and false hope can magically tell the difference between cancerous cells and healthy tissue, and only burn a massive gaping hole in your face in a nice way. They’ll tell you it’s only been banned by every self-respecting public health authority because they’re big fucking meanies who don’t want health crusaders to have the right to basic freedoms like promoting essential wellness or some other fucking bollocks.
Will they cure cancer? Fuck no.

There are thousands of easy ways to make money. You can sell jewellery or arse-espressos on a pretty website. You can test piss-derivatives on desperate patients for huge wads of cash. You can supply bloodroot mixed with jojoba and tell people to smear it on their sunspots until they fucking fall off.

Oncology isn’t easy. Sure, you can make money from it, but only if you spend years of time away from your own family trying to save someone else’s; using the very best knowledge that the collective history of thousands of really fucking smart people have managed to build over decades of dedication, to keep as many people as healthy as possible in the face of an indiscriminate bastard of a disease. It’s fucking hard, it’s fucking heartbreaking and it’s fucking important.

Fuck you, cancer quacks. Fuck. You.

16 Responses to “Sweary Bear’s Guide to Not Curing Cancer With Unicorns”

  1. Machine said

    “stupid-o’clock”. Hahaha, you got me, dude!
    And this: “…but only if you spend years of time away from your own family trying to save someone else’s…” So right. So true. How do you do it, mate? Kudos.

  2. phil said

    Argh, c’mon, three hours on google and despite no qualifications anyone can fix anything, including internal human mutating body cells, because, well like, cancer is just a toxin you know, and a regime of juice and coffee enemas will surely fix it naturally, just like some pre oncology dude said way back there in 1930.
    You know, back then, before penicillin was even around for most basic infection cover for surgery! For God’s sake people save yourselves from the internet’s blogger’s far reaches of stupidity.

  3. Fi said

    Hi Sweary Bear, “The Wellness Warrior” (aka Jess Ainscough) has cancer which has now turned aggressive.

  4. gonzo said

    Fucking brilliantly said. Though I need to caution you in the lack of usage of the word ‘Fucktard’ which perfectly encapsulates these muppets…

    Wholly agree with Jennyt

  5. Geoff said

    Looks like TGA is on to fuckin sinister slimeballs. But I don’t know how belief systems appeal to people ahead of evidence. Is this about spin? That would explain our politics too.

  6. anaglyph said

    My only criticism here is that you didn’t use strong language. Being circumspect is no way to deal with these scum-sucking bottom feeders.

  7. mochuck said

    You missed out the bit on when you become the Big Fucking Pharma Shill

  8. Steve said

    Brilliantly done.

  9. Stella said

    I love you too Sweary Bear!

  10. Mike said

    I watched the item about the Nescafe enemas. Adds a whole new meaning to the term ‘plunger coffee’…

  11. jennyt said

    After spending 45 years in the health care industry as a Registered Nurse I must say I find your terms against these alternative practitioners quite unreasonable. You should be much much, more insulting towards them – otherwise they will cut ‘n paste your remarks and you will find yourself quoted as an expert who supports their products on their website. Do try to be a little less reasonable next time.

  12. Liam Farrell said

    good one, wish I had written it

  13. Reb said

    Brilliant. Thank you!

  14. Chris said

    I’m too fucking lazy to become an oncologist so I guess I’ll have to trust the real ones know what they’re doing.

    Calling these fuckers quacks is an offence to ducks!

Go on then. Have a go.

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