Fuck you, internet.

May 7, 2013

Fuck you, internet.

Twenty years ago, I was blissfully unaware of how many different kinds of complete and utter fucking nutjobs wandered the Earth. But thanks to the technological free-for-all that is the internet, I’ve now got a metric shitload of bullshit pouring from my screen, with thousands of spittle-specked knobjockeys just a click away.

No longer can I go about my day, happy in the delusion that humans more or less agree about some reasonably simple concepts. That modern medicine is not inherently evil. That vaccination is not a secret plot to cull the population by knocking off innocent babbies. That the condensed exhaust trails of aircraft are not vapourised mind-controlling chemicals. That the Rothchilds are just a hardworking family trying to make ends meet in an unforgiving world.

But no. The internet brings a cavalcade of half-baked conspiracist fuckwits to my attention every single day. So fuck you, internet.

Some may, of course, argue that the internet has revolutionised the way we communicate with each other, and that it’s done wonders for bringing much-needed attention to some extremely important causes. Before the internet, I had no idea about the plight of kidnapped child soldiers, the insurmountable inequities of global finance or the very short shorts being sold in kids’ clothing stores. And now these magnificently worthy issues have been brought to the forefront of human consciousness.

But if all we’re doing when we become aware of these travesties is clicking a fucking ‘Like’ button or sitting in a town square holding a cardboard sign or putting a shitty little ribbon-shaped arrangement of pixels on a social media avatar, what’s the fucking point? Fuck you, internet.

Sure, the internet brings us news and information faster than any previously available medium, and that certainly sounds like a good thing. But unless Jeff Goldblum and Morgan Freeman are in fact dead, I remain fucking skeptical.

It’s true that the internet provides a great platform for interacting with news and events – every news article, blog post and uploaded broadcast provides an opportunity for any random fucknuckle to offer their two cents at its arse end. And where would we be without the dazzlingly constructive input of well-informed web users offering up their highbrow, hand-flapping feedback? Apparently dying from fluoride poisoning under the thumb of reptilian overlords and the strictures of Sharia Law. Well fuck you, internet.

I’m willing to concede that the internet has provided some pretty fucking nifty alternatives to outdated information sources and business models. You can now shop around for products, services, information or sexual partners without leaving the comfort of your crumb-covered comfy chair. But when those convenient services include medical advice from a fucking symptom-generator on the other side of the fucking world, convenience seems to be the poor ginger cousin of fucking commonsense. Here’s a tip: no doctor worth her title will tell you that the spots on your arse are either heat rash, Thrombocytopenia or gunshot wounds and ask you to choose your favourite. So fuck you, internet.

But why am I complaining to you? You’re quite clearly an intelligent and discerning individual who can tell the difference between bullshit and reality, and who uses the internet in a fulfilling and constructive way. Which is why you’ve spent the last five minutes reading an inane brain-dump written on a tiny blog by a fucking bear.

Turn the fucking thing off.


28 Responses to “Fuck you, internet.”

  1. Dave said

    I typed ‘fuck you internet’ into Google. I found this website. Maybe I can go on.

  2. lillian said

    all i gotta say is i agree fuck the internet

  3. nameless said

    fucking ridiculous. Every email wants a damn mobile phone number, logging out of google about takes a college degree, everything you do is associated with the fucking device you use, there is literally nothing to do online but read the news and search for some blog that might make one laugh, if you use the dark net for a shred of privacy your automatically a conspiring to commit any crime associated with it fucktard. The internet is out of control, but, at most we don’t have to pay for every blabbering site we fine to click. Social media is a ridiculous bunch of lookie loo can you see me now nonsense. Yet loneliness kills and so the internet suffices to bring people together who feel lonely for some kind of common interest sharing. While my iq dwindles even worse with all the spell it for you right click and point click the correct word think for you editing. There is nothing at all to do online, but blog, frankly no one wants to read it anyway, so no privacy concerns there right.. ..wrong never know what scathing in law, long lost pen pal, stranger, obsessed lunatic might find and refuse to leave alone online if you put a photo or truly brilliantly share your mind, but not using your real name is somehow a legality. Fuck that, I’ll take my chances.

  4. billy said

    Yeah, it’s still applicable if not more pertinent than ever. I actually pray for a holocaust to kill everyone now, thanks to the Internet.

  5. haha haha said

    Funniest article ive ever read. Thank you.

  6. Dodd aksjd said

    Thanks for the honest and concise summary of this great invention called the Internet! I wholeheartedly join you with a grumpy but positive “fuck you, Internet”. Back to the analog world of bears and forests for now… Signing off with cheers!

  7. k said

    nobody gives a shit about your complaints on here sounds like 1st world problems. Go outside and smell the air.And worry about what is in front of you.
    And fuck da internet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    and after you go outside, sure as shit don’t tell the internet bout it.
    they will send you flyers.

  8. joe? said

    It only took one minute to read 😦

  9. For every 999999 nutjob conspiracies there’s an Operation Northwoods so not all is useless. What I can’t stand is the ignorance of issues such as animal cruelty, feminism (don’t even get me started with the nutjobs denouncing it), other human rights abuses, Islamophobia, etc. Ugh…

  10. Miranda said

    hahahaha more of that “what the fuck is the internet” commentary please.
    but first I’m going outside. yup outside, ………to sit under a tree, pat the dog, and contemplate…….life

  11. “awaiting moderation”…..go on, grow a pair and allow my other two comments, what is there to fear?.

  12. Some muppet even blames the everyday joe for “crashing the stock market LMFAO, and not the greedy parasitic (don’t want to sweat or get hands dirty) bankers, you could not make this shit up, keep voting, even a dog learns to not go back to the one who keeps kicking it, MUGS.

  13. in between funding wars you mean the Rothchilds are hard working, why are the skys filled with lines that were not around in the 80’s?, what are the primary goals of big Pharma’s, is it to make money?, you make everything sound as if it is black and white, really thought this was gonna be about the soulless drones drooling over crap such as pewdepie, instead we get the usual zombie rant, were there WMD’s in Iraq?, who blew up the uss liberty?, (after years of government cover ups), why do you choose these particular things to shill er I mean rant about, you must think folk are stupid.

  14. Dami-Anne said

    I am sooooo fucking tired of reading comments on news stories. They are all the same and they make me lose faith in humanity. I can’t stand it anymore.

  15. PBScott said

    Did you ever stop to consider, that the internet is created by real people, and those people have feelings, so I am sure without a shadow of the doubt, the this careless rant has hurt the internet’s feelings.

    Shame on you, the internet was just doing the best job it could, and then you just came along to trample all over the internet’s picknick blanket.

  16. JKR2017 said

    Yeah I don’t even know if this blog is still active, but it’s the top result on Google for “fuck the internet”, so I’ll comment anyway.

    Totally agree with you Bear. The endless vomit of lies and stupidity on the internet has genuinely poisoned my life. Not just conspiracy morons, religious (and indeed atheist) fuckheads or anti-science scum, but the general vileness of people on the web. As they say, normal person + anonymity + audience = FUCKING ASSHOLE. Perfectly nice people turn into horrible fuckers the moment you give them a comments section to vent in (yes, I’m aware of the irony). And the level of spite, ignorance and arrogance on any web forum or social media site is INSANE.

    All this would be okay if the internet was just a minor distraction, like it was 20 years ago. But now it’s so huge and all-consuming that you simply cannot live life in the modern world without using it. Much as I appreciate the research and shopping aspects of the web, the limitless morons of the “social” internet have badly dented my faith in humanity.

    Rant over. Not that it really matters.

  17. Yo yo said

    Yes! you Fucking got it!

  18. anaglyph said

    Recursively entertaining. You’re only half serious, or you wouldn’t be here. Unless you actually enjoy banging your head on the desk…

  19. monster221 said

    its true dude. fuck this… thing. it has made everything we love about life obsolete. no longer will we touch art. musicians can no longer look at their passion as a career. every single quack motherfucker has a voice and now we got non-negligable portions of the population believing in reptilians and lemurian mind-energy-spirit beings. organic interaction with others is gone, except long enough to exchange facebook and email info. business is no longer done with a handshake, and nobody will ever call me by my real name except people i live with and my fucking boss.

    we have permanently dispensed with the pleasantries.

    i dont even know why i spend my time on here. maybe its because there isnt much to do because NOBODY IS FUCKING OUTSIDE!!!

  20. theblueneckedone said

    Lol good one!!!

  21. Fred said

    How about that fake tweet about a white house bombing crashing the stock market? Well done interwebs, you can crash the stock market

  22. Valentina said

    You had me at ‘Yes, I shit in the woods’ LOL.

  23. sjb351 said

    Just great. I wish I had the talent and the balls to write something like that. There’s more than a grain of truth in what you say.

Go on then. Have a go.

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