The Church of Sweary

March 9, 2012

Fuck it. I’m going to start my own religion. There are a few things I’ll need.

 

1. A frock and some giant novelty headgear.

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Nothing says “KNEEL DOWN BEFORE ME” like a flowing robe and a pointy hat with sparkles on it. Religious boss-men have been wearing shit like this for fucking centuries, since an era when this look was considered a little more majestic and authoritarian, and less ‘I-lost-a-bet-with-Glinda-the-Good-Witch’.

 

2. An instruction manual.

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Rather than sit down and have an actual fucking think about what my religion will teach people and how it will fit into the world, I’m going to grab the biggest book I can find, close my eyes and point randomly at passages, and shout them to an assembled crowd. One day it could be “THOU SHALT NOT KILL!!”, the next it could be “STONE ADULTERERS TO DEATH!!” and the next it could be “TABLE OF CONTENTS!!”

 

3. A financial plan.

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Fuck taxes. I’m going to adopt the age-old practice of adopting a woeful expression, pushing a basket into people’s faces and telling them they’re evil until they cough up the fucking cheddar, and I’m going to keep all of it. And the government is going to fucking let me.

 

4. Something from outer space.

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Scientology has Xenu the space guy. Heaven’s Gate had a rescue spaceship in a comet’s tail. Christianity has a managing director in the sky. And I will have a big angry space robot who rains shit down on people who kill, steal, read New Idea or say “O-M-G!” out loud.

 

Amen.

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One Response to “The Church of Sweary”

  1. The Carp said

    Don’t forget to get your sixty five dollar “Doctorate” in theology from that unaccredited online university so you can put PHD after your name so people who are too stupid to check things out will think you’re a genius.

Go on then. Have a go.

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