The Inaugural Sweary Bear Telly Awards

January 13, 2012

Fucking awards shows. They’re the broadcast entertainment equivalent of snapping a hot rubber band on a brand new haemorrhoid. I mean sure, if actors and writers and producers and telly-makers are doing an especially good job, by all means give them a free frock and a shiny trophy. But do I need to watch? Fuck no.

Category is read out. Nominees are listed. Close-ups of nominees putting on their best It’s-A-Privelege-Just-To-Be-Here-All-The-Other-Nominees-Are-Shit expression. Winner is announced. Gushing winner looks shocked and approaches the microphone to thank all the people they were bitching about in the make-up chair only hours ago. Roomful of stonkered hopefuls proffer polite pinkie-claps and try to remain upright. Rinse. Repeat. Gag. Retch.

Bah. Enough moaning. Voting has just opened for the 2012 Logie Awards, and I figure it’s time to offer an alternative. Allow me to present the nominations for the Inaugural Sweary Bear Telly Awards.

 

Best Program Concept by a Work Experience Kid

  • The Renovators
  • Question Time
  • Junior MasterChef
  • Anything with Eddie Maguire in it.

 

Most Ironic Placement of a ‘Celebrity’ In A Program With ‘Celebrity’ In The Title

  • Kirk Pengilly
  • Warwick Capper
  • Anthony Mundine
  • That bird who was in that show that time.

 

Most Amusing Portrayal of a Journalist

  • Helen Wellings
  • Karl Stefanovic
  • Andrew Bolt
  • Anyone in a chopper hovering over Channel Nine’s Brisbane HQ

 

Most Unnecessary News Story

  • “The Reserve Bank of Australia has announced that interest rates will remain the same”
  • “Relatives gathered at the funeral of [insert dead person’s name here]”
  • “An otherwise clean-cut celebrity tweeted something slightly off-colour today…”
  • “There’s a new and amusing series coming up on this very network so we’re spending five minutes promoting during this news broadcast because fuck all those dying soldiers. Fucking ratings killers.”

 

Most Creative Interpretation of “Comedy”

  • Ben Elton Live From Planet Earth
  • Angry Boys
  • Hey Hey It’s Saturday
  • Fat Pizza / Swift and Shift / Housos etc etc

 

Most Outstanding Performance in an Off-Screen Incident

  • Matthew Newton, for that time he fucked up.
  • Matthew Newton, for that other time he fucked up.
  • Matthew Newton, for fucking up again when he really should have known better.
  • The National Rugby League, for just about everything.
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One Response to “The Inaugural Sweary Bear Telly Awards”

  1. Xander said

    It’s an honour just to be Matthew Newton.

Go on then. Have a go.

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