Sweary Bear’s Guide to Christmas Etiquette

December 23, 2011

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “what does a potty-mouthed arse-scratching bear know about etiquette?”

Well, I can spell etiquette without having to look it up. Other than that, fuck all. But you don’t have to be an expert to write a supercilious, authoritarian, speculative blog post (am I right, Meryl Dorey? Andrew Bolt?). So here it is – Sweary Bear’s guide to behaving yourself during Christmas lunch.

 

DO:

  • Gather as many family members and/or friends as you can stand together in a room. If, after a certain amount of time has elapsed, you cannot converse with said family members and/or friends without things turning into an almighty shit fight, utilise the numbing effect of stop-motion animated Christmas specials on the telly until the most offensive participants have fallen asleep.
  • Think about an appropriate exit strategy before you arrive at Aunty Doreen’s Mothballed House of Fragile Things. Suddenly remembering you have to go home to wash your hair just to escape the annual horror of hot brandy custard with lumps doesn’t really cut it on Christmas Day.
  • Give presents to people you love. That doesn’t mean buying them any old piece of production-line plastic shit from the Reject Shop that’s going to be tomorrow’s fucking landfill. Buy them a fucking pizza. Everyone likes pizza. As a matter of fact, buy me a pizza. Now.

 

DON’T:

  • Shout “This turkey’s STUFFED!!” and look around for approval, unless you are the only middle-aged, childless uncle in the family. In that case, people expect that kind of shit from you.
  • Assume that Christmas means the same to others as it does to you. If you’re all Goddy about it, then fucking yay for you. If not, grab an extra prawn while everyone else is saying grace. Who’s gonna know?
  •  Buy noisy, glittery toys for kids with a million little parts that fall off as soon as you breathe on them and need a fucking doctorate degree in engineering to put them back together again. Unless the kids’ parents bought you a novelty talking cookie jar last year, in which case, go fucking nuts.

 

MOST IMPORTANTLY:

If, over the so-called festive season, you get into a car with a bloodstream full of alcohol, please pass out in the driveway before you hurt anyone else, you fucking brainless moron.

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One Response to “Sweary Bear’s Guide to Christmas Etiquette”

  1. Kristine said

    I love you, Sweary Bear – I hope you have a great Xmas! Thanks for all the laughs and tweets. 🙂

Go on then. Have a go.

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