Sweary Bear’s Guide to Science

December 16, 2011

Today I’m going to try to answer a simple question: What is science?

I’ve done a bit of reading* and discovered that science is, remarkably, more than just the only high school class in which you were allowed to set things on fire**.

I could go on a long, tedious fucking yawnfest about how in ancient fucking toga-land some extra-thinky philosophers started wondering what would happen if they actually started writing stuff down; and how the battle between objectivism and relativism and a bunch of pain-in-the-arse post-modernists have shaped science into the fully functioning, self-regulating, decreasingly imperfect knowledge-beast it is today. But I won’t.

I think the best way to describe science is to look at some examples of what it is, and what it most certainly fucking isn’t. Let’s do that right now.

Example 1: The Climate

A bunch of thousands of scientists from a large slab of countries around the world have been measuring temperatures, looking at environmental samples, punching all sorts of fucking numbers into complex and well-researched modelling systems for a few decades, and come up with the idea that global warming is, in all likelihood, accelerated significantly by what people do. That’s science.

A handful of other scientists, politicians, big industry knobs in suits and people with waterfront mansions decided that they didn’t really like the idea of switching off their machines and could move some of the numbers around a little bit and say “See? I can make it look like it’s all China’s fault!” and doesn’t carbon go in pencils anyway? That’s not fucking science.

Example 2: Immunisation

Once upon a time, a clever fucking bastard called Edward Jenner managed to figure out that you could force organisms to grow antibodies to a disease without actually getting the disease. The 200-and-a-bit years since have seen thousands of scientists from a large slab of countries around the world researching, developing, testing, improving and administering heaps of vaccinations, and to nobody’s fucking surprise, people don’t get some of the nastiest diseases anymore. That’s science.

A handful of hand-flapping, mouth-breathing drama queens and other people pretending to do science decided that everything bad that happens in the world is because vaccines are some dangerous and evil fucking plot to control the population, and that a few bad reactions from some statistically extremely unlucky vaccine recipients are a good reason to bring back widespread diseases that make your skin turn purple and your fucking brain swell up. That’s not fucking science.

Example 3: Homeopathy

It doesn’t even take thousands of scientists from a large slab of countries around the world five minutes to realise that you can’t treat anything with a molecule of horse shit dropped into a fucking swimming pool of vibrated water. Any halfwit knows that makes as much sense as a scrotum on a lawnmower. Not. Fucking. Science.

I’m glad we cleared all that science shit up. Now go forth and be sensible.

*I’m a bear and I can read. Don’t be shocked. Once I’d learned how to understand politics and use a laptop, it was a piece of piss.

**Within reason. Let’s not be a fucking idiot about it, kids.

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3 Responses to “Sweary Bear’s Guide to Science”

  1. FunnyBunny said

    Get the facts on how homeopathy works. http://www.howdoeshomeopathywork.com/

  2. Damn. Why have I only just seen this now?

  3. savannahofaus said

    Sweary Bear, you are my hero.

Go on then. Have a go.

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