Sweary Bear

Back in the early 90s when Tony Abbot first became Minister for Employment he invited me amongst others in for a one on one informal chat about the Job Network and asked my opinions about his brilliant Work for the Dole Scheme…he also made me a cup of tea. As he did so he turned his back on me, we were alone, there was a heavy glass water jug to hand on the table….I did nothing. I feel so guilty – I feel like the blow up boy with the safety pin – I have let myself down. What can I do to rid myself of the awful shame?

Sweary Bear says:

Don’t beat yourself up about it Daryl (I’m pretty sure Tony Abbott frowns upon beating yourself). To use words that have seldom been heard in any ministerial office: let’s look at this rationally.

Point one: There is no evidence to suggest that blunt force head trauma has any kind of negative effect on government ministers. In fact, research suggests that, given a control specimen and a recently-bludgeoned one, constituents failed to notice any fucking difference whatsoever.

Point two: Just because Mr Abbott is a power-hungry bully with a brain like a shriveled relic from the nineteenth century, doesn’t mean he should be dispatched at the first available opportunity. He serves a purpose. I mean, with him around, don’t you feel just a smidge smarter, a tad more constructive and a teensy weensy bit less like a self-stroking, out-of-touch arsehole? And let’s face it – he lends parliament a kind of entertaining vibe that we though was lost forever once John Howard’s eyebrows retired.

On the other hand, if you meant that you simply neglected to pour him a glass of water, just pretend I didn’t fucking say anything.